Resonating echoes left over from abuse – 

Shame can be such a deep and integral part of one’s life that’s left over from the experience of abuse and it can be super overpowering, until it’s not. As soon as I became aware that there was something there, I had the impression that it was tainting everything and everyone in my life. Like a vein of blackness weaving through every moment. It felt horrible, dirty, intense and everywhere but as soon as I saw it, at the same time feeling more intense, it also felt freeing. I knew that I could grab it and do something with it. It was mine and I wasn’t it’s. It no longer owned me. I took control. Fantastic.

We’re so clever as humans, that we create experiences to give us the opportunity be ‘in action’, to see whatever it is that wants to be seen, feel what’s ready to be felt and to love it. It’s not always easy and many of these moments of seeing and feeling have been super intense and shocking for me. The power is in remembering that we create them for ourselves and working with them as a partner. After a while, it becomes second nature so there’s no time lapse between the experience and the action. The power is in loving it and not hating it.

A while back, I brilliantly created a situation that took me intensely into the energy of shame. I went to a place where I was even afraid to look at my husband in the eyes, for fear of contaminating him. I went right back to 2008 when the abuse I’d experienced as a child started to reveal itself. I used to feel so dirty, as if darkness would penetrate through my eyes to someone else if I looked at them. That I’d taint them forever with a blackness that couldn’t be washed away. My eyes felt out of control and I felt scared. Over time I’ve disintegrated most of this back into its neutral state but clearly there was a residue of this sense of shame hiding in the back of a drawer that was ready to be seen when I was strong enough. Thankfully that time had arrived. I caught myself creating an experience that wasn’t at all in alignment with what I was declaring – “Peace is the most important thing to me and I choose to be transparent and live consciously” – and it brought up a huge wave of shame. The universe/me was lovingly kicking my butt into being fully accountable and it was the perfect catalyst and opportunity to clean the echo of shame. From my experience, it can’t happen all at once. I guess it would just be too overwhelming. So it expertly happens in layers. It’s not that we’ve failed or that we haven’t leant something or that it’s ‘come back’. No, it’s that we’re becoming more in tune, stronger and braver and we’re able to go deeper until there is no ‘deeper’ left to go. We’re actually succeeding not failing. The connection is becoming unbreakable. The truth is stronger than the story and that’s freedom.

When you declare how you want to be in this life and what the most important thing is for you – your guiding star/word – any action that’s not in alignment with that, screams so loudly that it bellows through your whole body. At least that’s my experience. We’re continuously giving ourselves opportunities to be brave and totally honest. The most empowering part is knowing that I create the whole thing. We create the whole thing and we create it absolutely and totally for us. Every part of it. Incredible. Witnessing this event that I was creating so that I could go to the depths of shame, was humbling and breathtaking. So brilliant. I caught it, I acted, I felt it, I breathed. My own homemade 24hr tornado!!! My god am I grateful, for it all, every second of it. We are sooooooo powerful. Sooooo powerful. Here’s to your power. Here’s to you as you.

Until the next time…ciao salut bye bye. Go be you. I love you.